Dear Kobe, OJ, and fellow afflicted celebrities,

I feel your pain, for today I have arrived in your company via fraudulant legal claims against my name. Facing potentially image-shattering charges, iPod destruction, I too, will purify my muddied name.

The words of my step-cousin, Andre 3000, best summarize this quandry, which is as old as celebrity itself:

Where there is cheese there are rats, Where ever there are rats there
are cats, Where ever there are cats there are dogs, If you got the dogs you got
bitches, bitches always out to put their paws on your riches, If you got riches,
you got glitches, If you got glitches in your life computer turn it off and then
reboot it, now you back on,

Since cameras were were forbidden, I've provided a courtroom sketch of the plaintiff below: